Sometimes I wish hated my family here a little bit. Or that I was deathly bored. Or at least that I didn't like being here so much. My heart would break a little bit less when I left them and I wouldn't be crying like an idiot on a public bus.
The worst part about visiting family far away is the inevitable goodbye, the kind of goodbye that lasts for half an hour, with lots of hugs and kisses and a lump in your throat, the intense feeling that it was too short, the knowledge that the next time you see each other might not be for another two, three, four years...? And you know that in that time there will be a lot of growing up, changes you'll miss, you'll only get the general details over the phone, none of the boring everyday stuff that really lets you get to know a person.
When I tell people "yes I'm Polish, yes I speak it, yes I've been there" they usually think it's pretty neat. "I wish I spoke another language, I wish I had family abroad, blah blah blah," but they don't realize it also comes with a lot of heartbreak. Holidays always include a little bit of sorrow and emptiness, you don't get to see each other much grow up, and when you are lucky enough to see your family, it's only for a short time and you know it'll end in tears. People don't seem to appreciate being able to visit their crazy cousins whenever they want. I don't get you people.
I was here for almost a week but the days all sort of meshed together and felt like one. I'm kicking myself in the butt a little bit for not staying here another day or two, but then I realize that it would be just as hard if not worse saying goodbye then. So I went from being sad that I was leaving my US family, to being sad that I'm leaving my Tarnowiec family, and in a week I'll be sad leaving my Bydgoszcz family. Sigh...
The goodbyes started yesterday. We all put some sausages on the grill and we all hung out outside after a day of almost 40 degree (Celsius, you calculate it, I’m too sad to do math) weather. Not everyone was able to see me today before I left and I’m glad, saying goodbye to five people is a little less stupid than saying goodbye to 10.
But I'm glad I came, probably the best decision I've ever made. At one point I was so frustrated trying to buy a multi-city ticket and with the idea of having to adjust and re-adjust so many different times and drag around all my stupid luggage, that I almost just said "screw it" and went straight to France. Good thing I didn't.
I have to say that this was probably my best visit here. Maybe because I stayed longer, maybe because we're all pretty much adults now and we can relate to each other, maybe because I seemed to get over the initial awkwardness quickly: it's my family, and shyness is just a waste of time.
A few hours before I left I had a panic attack, which I
haven’t had in a while. I couldn't even eat. And I always eat my feelings. What
are these feelings that they cannot be conquered with binge eating??
It was also absolutely perfect timing. I couldn't have planned it better if I tried, since all of my cousins were there, and I was able to get here just in time to go to Slovakia and Zakopane with them (I felt a little bad, I sort of just jumped into their plans, but I don't regret it). I love them all, and it was awesome. And the weather was perfect...okay, let's not kid ourselves, it was deathly hot, but it was pretty.
But overall I loved it, I loved everyone there, it was beautiful. Besides getting sick it was perfect. Now three hours on a bus to Krakow followed by nine hours to Bydgoszcz (yes, the same amount of time I spent on a plane to get from Seattle to Warsaw). Say it with me now Poland: "Freeeeeeewaaaaaaaayyys!"
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